I like to call patriarchy an old stubborn donkey. I do this because it is essential to separate patriarchy from men. Patriarchy is not a person; it is a consciousness, a deeply ingrained mindset, and a way of being that simply wants to keep trudging forward, resisting change at every turn. This is why the term fits so well.
I also find it a useful metaphor because it invites compassion and distance. It allows us to step back from the injustices and the corresponding rage that, as women, we can so easily succumb to. This is not to say that rage is unwarranted, far from it. But there are moments when it serves us more to direct our focus to the task at hand. Instead of engaging with patriarchy as an enemy to fight, we can approach it, especially within ourselves, as we would an old stubborn donkey. Perhaps with some exasperation, but without giving it too much power. The donkey is there, and it must be dealt with, but we do not have to carry it on our backs. If you’re curious about women and rage here is a great article on how feeling rage is very normal and even essential for a woman https://open.substack.com/pub/bashaforde/p/on-rage?r=2c61nl&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
The genius of patriarchy lies in how it allowed women, particularly white women, to inch closer to the front runners, white men. To survive and succeed within this system, women learned to adapt by aligning themselves with the ways of the old stubborn donkey. What began as a game of pretend, a strategic form of survival, eventually became reality. Over millennia, the pretence faded, and these values were absorbed as their own.
Here are 3 ways to recognise the old stubborn donkey in yourself and how to break free from those patterns, making space for real power, real change, and a lot more joy.
1. You Still Feel Competitive with other Women
Whenever you catch yourself competing with another woman, pause and ask: Competing for what?
Women have been conditioned to turn against each other for centuries—dating as far back as the witch hunts, when survival often meant betraying one another. Aligning with the dominant system became a matter of life and death. Over time, this conditioning stuck, and now, women not only feel envy but also shame themselves for it—creating a double burden.
But here’s the truth: competition isn’t our natural state. Women are wired for connection, support, and collaboration. If you’re interested in the origins of our envy, especially the shame we, as women feel around it, then read Elise Loehnen’s book ‘On our best beaviour’, a book every woman should read. https://www.eliseloehnen.com/onourbestbehavior
The Antidote:
Recognise envy for what it truly is—an incredible gift. It reveals exactly what you desire and who you aspire to become. Instead of resenting the woman who has what you want, wish her well. Then, use that energy to go after those things for yourself.
She is not your enemy—she is your greatest ally. Find ways to connect, collaborate, or learn from her. Get close. But whatever you do, do not tear her down with gossip or negativity. That’s internalised the old stubborn donkey talking.
2. You still think anger is distasteful in a woman.
Have you ever had someone call you angry—but with a tone dripping in judgment and distaste? Have you ever felt ashamed for feeling anger at all? That’s because Fury (Anger) is one of the Seven Deadly Sins—a deeply ingrained belief that has conditioned us to see anger as something shameful, especially for women.
While studying Tibetan Buddhism, I came across the idea that one moment of anger can destroy the good karma (merit) you’ve accumulated over thousands of lifetimes. If that’s true, then as a woman, I must have evaporated every last drop of my good karma by now.
It’s ideas like this—along with the more subtle conditioning that teaches women to be nice, compliant, smiley, and pleasant—that keep us disconnected from one of the most powerful and transformational emotions we have: anger.
If you think you’re never angry, you’re either in a coma or deeply aligned with the Old Stubborn Donkey—so much so that you’ve forgotten what anger even feels like.
The Antidote:
When you feel tired, check if you’re actually angry.
When you feel snappy or irritable, ask yourself if it’s repressed anger.
When you feel disappointed, consider whether you’re actually just pissed off.
Take time to feel your anger. Let it move through you. There are incredible resources on how to process anger in a way that energizes you and awakens your soul’s purpose. Women need to get angry sometimes.
The world doesn’t change without us getting pissed off every now and then.
3. You still think the only romantic relationship that will make you happy is one that involves a husband, marriage to him and children.
So many liberated, independent women still find themselves unfulfilled, despite having the freedom they once longed for. They spend an inordinate amount of time dating, analysing, talking about, and worrying about men.
Will I find the right one to marry?
Is this man just for sex, or does he tick all the boxes?
Will he make a good husband, father, or life partner?
Yet, far too little time is spent asking the more important question:
Will a partner and children actually make me happy?
Instead of endlessly strategising about men, women could be cultivating their truest, deepest desires. They could be developing the courage to go after what they really want, even if it flies in the face of what they were conditioned to believe would make them happy.
The Antidote:
The solution is not necessarily to give up on love, marriage, or family. Maybe those things will bring you happiness. But the trick is to decenter men from your desires. Remove the man from the fantasy and see what remains.
You might discover that happiness looks nothing like what you expected. Maybe it is:
Living with two men and three dogs.
A life with one woman and a baby.
A home filled with five platonic female friendships while you sleep your way through men in their twenties.
Expand your imagination. Challenge the script. You may find that life, love, and relationships suddenly feel exciting rather than exhausting, liberating rather than limiting. Instead of feeling powerless, hopeless, or worried, you might just start feeling free.