Let's talk Sex

I just used the cheapest trick in the book to get your attention, but here you are you little pervert, welcome.

It’s inevitable; I need to talk about sex. Ok, kind of. Let’s call it relationships and dating.

Part of what I do, and I will take the opportunity to remind you, is coaching people on the path to Self Mastery; this invariably means, at some point during the 10 week program, the topic of romantic relationships will come up, especially since two of these sessions we work with material from my book, which is all about authenticity and how to communicate and express our true, authentic selves.

Very basically, a newly defined successful relationship comes down to: 

1.     Self Love and Acceptance

2.     Healthy attachment (Neither anxious or avoiding)

3.     Authenticity (The opposite of performing and pretending to be something you’re not in order to the get the girl/boy, keep the wife/husband)

4.     The ability to be vulnerable (Intelligent vulnerability, not emotionally borderless)

5.     Understanding and then deconstructing cultural narratives.

Number 5 is often the most tricky to deal with, assuming the person has been able to move through or have a reasonable grasp of points 1 – 4.

Why? Because the stories we’re told as kids from our parents, from society, from movies (Thank you Walt Disney), from novels, and the media, even in their most subtle and innocent ways, affect how we choose partners, why we stay, or don’t stay in unsatisfying relationships and very often limit our capacity for real love and genuine connection. That’s why it’s possible and not that uncommon to feel painfully lonely even in a committed forever- after relationship.

How is that I can talk about relationships? A single woman over 40? The nerve!

Because I am exactly that, the cultural narrative gone wrong. I am what happens when you deconstruct cultural narratives and choose authenticity over cultural convention.

As a 41-year-old single woman I am faced with two choices in terms of romantic relationships.  

Option number 1: Actively dating in order to find that one person who will magically fulfil all of my desires, ok fine at this point, I’m happy to find someone fulfilling at least 50% of them, where I maybe manage to just fly through the closing gates of domestic harmony land. Late, but at least happening.

Option number 2: Abandoning the whole thing entirely as I start preparing for a life defined as tragic spinsterhood aka sad, angry lady living with cats.

Both options are quite frankly horrifying to me (although the second one less so) – Has anyone seen the Canadian Sphynx? I mean who wouldn’t want to live with a couple of those?

I’m dead serious.

So that’s it, 2 mostly equal awful options. But because I am older than 4, I am able to see that when someone presents me with two options; that in fact, there must be at least one other and It’s my duty to point it out or at least explore it. And this is no exception.

What I present to you dear reader is option number 3. (And believe me I already tried Option 1 a couple of times so I know what I’m talking about)

 So, option number 3 is something of an eternal bachelorette. (You’ve heard about the eternal bachelor; same situation as our dowdy spinster, but somehow way cooler and socially acceptable)  I’m not crazy about that term, but for lack of a better word, let’s just go with it for now as I reveal what’s behind door number 3:

 It’s possible that she:

1.     Dates without the idea necessary of finding ‘the one’ to live in the house with forever

2.     Realises it’s possible to date without having sex or/and has sex without having to date

3.     Is happy (shocker)

4.     Doesn’t think the worst thing that could happen is to ‘end up alone’. She recognises her ability to form good and healthy relationships of all kinds and suspects this will not change well into her late years. And when she finally does lose all mental function and cognitive ability, realises that whether her forever –after-darling is standing by your side or not is entirely irrelevant. (Provided she has proper health/wealth plan) which, by the way, she set up while her counter parts were spending their time on Tinder

If that sounds all awfully cold to you, then you misunderstand me.

She (ok me) is not anti love. If you know me, you know I’m willing to do all sorts of things for love. I believe in love, and I am even open to finding that one true thing that makes my life and me better than it is with it just being me.

So for me I don’t ask

What is your job?

Are you a good partner?

Are you reliable?

Are you 2 meters tall?

And who are your family?


I ask

Do you know and love yourself?

Do you form secure attachments with people in your life?

Are you truly authentic?

Do you know how to be vulnerable?


Are you willing to step out of your views/roles/constructs in order to fly to the stars?



And can you **laugh with me at almost (absolutely) everything.

**(Not officially part of the Self Mastery program

So whether you’re single, married, dating, divorced, poly, it’s complicated; perhaps consider asking questions that go beyond the cultural narrative (Whatever that may be for you; as both a man and a woman or however you identify).












Cherryl Duncan2 Comments